How Should You Deal With Conflict?

Resolving Conflict in the Church - Matthew 18

15 “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[d]17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be[e] bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be[f] loosed in heaven.

19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

No one enjoys dealing with conflict.  People either avoid conflict, or often handle it badly.  Some people even look for conflict.  But the reality is that as we live this life we are going to face conflict both in our personal lives and in the church.  So the question is not if we are going to face conflict but when. And even more importantly how are we going to handle it?  

This passage gives us the biblical guidelines for dealing with conflict.  They are to be used for relationships in the church, but really are applicable for any situation involving conflict in our lives.  As we handle conflict in this way, we will show the truth of the bible for everyday practical matters. The bible is true because it is inspired by God through human writers and it useful for correction and training in righteousness.   

First, the bible says to go directly to the person who sinned against you and point it out to them.  Notice this is the direct approach.  Don't tell your friends about it, or build a coalition against this person, but go to them directly. The best outcome is that they listen to you and resolve the conflict with you by apologizing.  And then you would forgive them as Christ has forgiven you. The relationship is restored with minimal collateral damage.  

Second, the bible teaches that if the person is not willing to acknowledge their fault, take one or two others along with you.  Not a whole mob, just one or two.  Since you can't resolve it between the two of you, bring someone else who you trust to serve as a mediator and arbiter of the truth.  This could even be a counselor.  This is someone who won't take sides but be fair minded and help sort out what really happened.  Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers".  We all need peacemakers in our lives at times.  

Finally, if these first two steps don't work bring it to church.  The assumption if  it is clear that one person is clearly wrong, and they are not willing to admit they are wrong, repent and ask for forgiveness from the one they hurt.  In this case more intervention is needed from the body of Christ.  If the person is not willing to listen to the collective church, then the person must be excused from the fellowship.  

You might say, "Wow that is harsh!" Where is the love of Christ there? But the reality is it might be the most loving thing to for these reasons.

1. It will lead the person to repentance to restore their relationship with God and the person who was hurt. 

2. It will protect the church from this person from possibly hurting others.  

3. It will be an example to the rest in the church that this behavior is not acceptable. 

We often call this "tough love".  While it seems "tough" it is "love".  Why?  Because the goal is to restore the person to fellowship in the body.  Accepting and excusing bad behavior on other the hand is not really that loving at all.  So we can see once again the bible is true in every sense of the world.  If we would just listen and obey it things would go a lot better for us and those around us and it would be a great example to the world.