How Do You Comfort Someone Who Has Died?

As a pastor when you visit a home of someone who has just died, you are mainly there to be with them and comfort them in their loss.  There are really no magical words you can say to them to ease their grief.  'The most important thing is your presence and the presence of family and friends.  It usually isn't helpful to try and explain why their loved one has died. Often in our own anxiety we say things like, "Well I guess God needed another angel in heaven."  Today Jesus comes to his good friends' house shortly after their brother had died. We can learn a lot from him in this passage about how to handle grief and loss. 

17 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18 Now Bethany was less than two miles[b] from Jerusalem, 19 and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. 21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” 23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” 24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.” 25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” 27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.” 28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there. 32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. 35 Jesus wept.

We know from Luke's gospel that Jesus visited their home and Martha was the one who was a busy with the task of getting things ready for him, and Mary sat at his feet worshipping and adoring him.  Lazarus is not mentioned in that story, but it is assumed that Jesus got to know him as well when he was at their home. 

The roles are reversed when Jesus comes to visit their home after learning that Lazarus  was very sick.  Martha meets him first.  She says that if Jesus had been there, Lazarus wouldn't have died.  She assumed that Jesus could have healed him, but doesn't think that Jesus could bring him back to life.  Jesus uses the opportunity to reveal to her who he is.  Though Martha has a belief in the resurrection of the dead when the last day comes, she doesn't understand the true nature of Jesus.  Then Jesus says, "I am the resurrection in the life!"  You can only wonder what Martha must have thought about that statement.  Jesus asks her if she believes in this at which point she confesses, "I believe you are the Messiah, the Son of God who has come into this world."  Though she doesn't yet know Jesus will raise Lazarus from the dead, she comes to faith in Him as the Messiah.

Next, she calls Mary to come and see Jesus.  When Mary sees Jesus she falls to his feet and says, "Lord if you had been there my brother would not have died."  She says the exact same words as her sister did, but she seems to have a different tone of voices.  Then, she begins to openly weep.  Though Jesus probably knows he will raise Lazarus from the dead, he is deeply moved by her grief.  It says he is "deeply moved in spirit and troubled".  William Barclay New Testament commentator gives us these insights into what these words meant.

“In ordinary classical Greek the usual usage of embrimasthai is of a horse snorting. Here it must mean that such deep emotion seized Jesus that an involuntary groan was wrung from his heart.” 

Finally, the passage says, "Jesus wept".  The shortest verse in the bible, yet it says so much.  We see the humanness of Jesus despite the fact that he knew the outcome.  Jesus entered the pain of his good friends and he was deeply moved by their grief.  

What can we learn from this intimate portrrayal of Jesus' love for this family?  Jesus is not aloof to suffering.  Jesus enters into our suffering with us.  Though we have faith that through Jesus we have eternal life it doesn't take away the grief we feel when we lose a loved one.  This is incredibly powerful as we look at the process of grief and how we enter into grief with those we care about.  Jesus stayed in the moment.  He didn't try to explain anything away.  He did not try to talk them out of their sadness.  He assured them that through faith in him, Lazarus would rise from the dead.  

As we enter into grief with others let's learn from Jesus.  Let's be present with people and enter into their pain.  Let us show our love for them by simply being with them.  Finally like Jesus we can weep with them.  What a great privilege we have to weep with those who weep.  Though death is heart breaking we can see the love of Christ perfected as we love and weep with others and together hold on to the hope that Jesus is the resurrection and the life.